Ok, guys. I have
made some amazing friends during my
unpredictable adventures in Nashville, and every time one of them shares
vulnerably with people I feel a HUGE sense of empowerment and like a weight has
been lifted off my shoulders. Because of the amazing impact their unashamedly
sharing their stories has had on me, I would like to briefly share more of my
story here…
Selfishly I may want to save the story with me, and that is ok. But lovingly I want to share it with others so that they may have the experience of hope and empowerment I have had when others share.
I see people traveling the world and providing for themselves. I see smiling faces and epic journeys. I see people doing it for themselves by themselves and I ask, "What is wrong with me?" Never stopping to consider that perhaps the problem is not me but in my perspective.
Upon moving to Nashville, I thought I had it all worked out. My mental health had been in a good place since March, I had a job lined up, I had a beautiful apartment waiting for me. I moved to Nashville with high hopes...
Here Is My Story
(And yes. You should click on the links, because this is a musical.)
The cultural shock was amazing.
I didn't know the stores. I didn't know the roads. Everything was so spread out compared to at home. For Nashvillians "a short drive" was comparable to a decent drive for me back home. I would go from grocery store to grocery store in a state of anxiety looking for the food I wanted. I often ended up tossing food, because it just wasn't edible or of good quality.
The life I was master of at home was not the life I was going to find here.
On top of everything else my background check for work had still not gone through, so the job I had set up wasn't a job just yet. I spent two weeks sitting around at home not making money but still having to pay rent, gas, groceries, etc. Most days after I went out looking for food I would come home and lay in my bed with the suffocating pressure of anxiety all over my body.
I reached a point where I didn't even want to exist. I spend hours on the phone trying to get in touch with my boss and when HR told me "just wait... have patience... we're working on it... you just can't start yet" I began calling the authorities themselves to see what I could do to get the process moving. The whole work situation was stressful, but that is a story for another day (or check out one of these links).
Work finally agreed to give me "contingent employment" so that I could come in to do office work and get paid. I still wasn't allowed to work in the classroom with the kids until my paperwork went through. I was very grateful to have the financial stress off my shoulders. That said, work did not have much for me to do and I ran through the projects they had for me to do quickly, so by the end of the first week I was sitting around trying to find things to do to make myself worth my pay.
Throughout those weeks, I continued to call the higher up's like DHS and the Tennessee Bureau of Investigation to try to figure out what was happening with my background check. Did they really have all the paperwork they needed? From looking at my records they said things looked good and they weren't sure what was holding back my employment in the classroom.
I forgot to mention that throughout these weeks I was very prone to car sickness. I vomited at the wheel on multiple occasions during my ride home from work. With the combination of work stress, shopping stress, and driving stress my body was giving out.
One day I went into work and started doing more non-mandatory trainings, since we had run out of things for me to do. During one of the trainings I saw an image that contained a great quantity of gushing blood. While I sometimes have to take deep breaths at the sight of blood, my body doesn't typically react in such a dramatic fashion. In this instance, however, I felt the blood rush to my toes. I closed my laptop and decided to eat some food.
About fifteen minutes after this occurrence, I heard what sounded like a tornado alarm go off, so I walked upstairs from the staff lounge to make sure everything was okay. It was. As I walked back downstairs I suddenly felt a rush of heat overwhelming the top of my body and my vision began to go hazy. It was difficult to balance myself as I walked downstairs, so I held onto the walls.
Still feeling incredibly dizzy when standing or even sitting, I decided to lay down in the staff lounge and sent my supervisor a quick text that I had experienced a dizzy spell and was resting. She came to the lounge to check up on me and said that she was willing to drive me to Occupational Health if I wanted. I said thank you and that I was going to rest a little bit longer.
About an hour later I went to Occupational Health myself. I felt brushed aside at my appointment. I decided to take the rest of the day off, as my supervisor said I was welcome to do, so I messaged her to let her know. My plan was to do some library returns and stop at a grocery store on my way home. The issue was: I couldn't find the library.
As I drove in circles looking for the place that my GPS said I was at I developed extreme nausea and back pain with a headache and dizziness. I started driving home, upset that I couldn't get these errands done (my books were due the next day and I was basically out of food at home). As I legit began to gage in the car with my head spinning, I was just glad I made it home safely.
I had a migraine with dizziness and nausea that night (one of MANY since I had moved to Nashville; I averaged at about 2-3 per week) and ended up calling my mom while throwing up in the bathroom until 2am.
The next day my aunt took me to a walk-in clinic where I had an incredibly stressful and devalidating experience that left me in tears. The doctor chided me for coming to a walk-in clinic when I was no longer actually in the middle of a migraine. My goal was to maintain my composure and to get out of there as quickly as possible... then he said a few words that broke me down.
In the midst of my tears, the doctor invited my aunt in and said he thought I should go to the emergency room because I felt hopeless and had lately had thought of not wanting to be alive. (I did not have a suicidal plan or intentions, mind you. I simply no longer had any desire to keep living through this hell.)
The ER was the first place I truly felt validated. I met wish a psychiatrist who knew exactly which doctor I had seen simply from the description. Another physician said he would write up a report on the unethical practice of the doctor when he heard my story.
After speaking with me about my situation / state in life and my health, the doctors wanted me to stay in the hospital for a few days to try some new meds. I was initially taken aback and felt chills at the prospect of being cooped up in the hospital setting for days, but when multiple physicians whom I liked agreed this would be the best decision, my mind was eased and I agreed to stay as a voluntary inpatient.
I spent the following week in the hospital trying new medications while my sleep, eating, and physical state were all monitored. While my fellow patients and I had some negative interactions of being brushed aside by nurses, some of the nurses where very nice and my fellow patients were impeccable. They kept my spirits up and took me seriously. They understood that life is a struggle and that we're all just trying to make it day by day. I could actually talk about my symptoms and feelings of hopelessness with them, and they could relate. I made some great friends through this experience!
I left the hospital a week later, feeling validated and okay with the slight changes in my medications. I was signed up for a two week program in which I would come to the hospital for six hours a day five days a week. The doctors described it as "school for mental health." I met even more amazing friends through this program. Lifelong friends, I believe!
Four days ago I finished this program and three days ago I went into work to be informed that due to some missing documents (partially my fault, partially the employers fault) my employment was terminated. I had been fed up in dealing with this employer since struggling to set up my interview in July, so while this experience added a whole new load of financial stress to my life it was also rather "freeing."
I'm currently in a new mental health program (they basically wean you off of your hospital care bit by bit). This program is only nine hours per week. My family has agreed to cover my expenses to alleviate stress while I look for a new job -- something I have felt tremendous guilt about. I was able to talk about this guilt in my current program (which is for young adults ages 18-25) and so many of my peers could relate to those feelings of guilt or of letting down their family.
You could say I'm working on a few things now:
-- Acceptance of help
-- Finding a new job
-- Not worrying about finding a job instantly
-- Accepting where I am at in life (and that I am not a failure but a fighter)
-- Accepting that God is using me to bring His love to others through this
humbling experience
That about sums things up for now.
Since April I have felt God was calling me to Nashville, but I wasn't sure why. I certainly never could have predicted the story I would come home with. I guess it all goes to show that:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5BOn-B97dbo
God's plans are beyond what we could ever imagine,
sometimes the easy way isn't the best way,
the most difficult and important lesson in life may be accepting love with humility,
and God will use you where you are planted regardless of where that may be.
~*~
THIS IS FOR YOU:
I share this story to bring you hope. You are not alone.
I share this story to bring you hope. You are not alone.
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