* In Perspective *
Ya girl is home, and happier than she's ever been to be here! If you've read everything from Make It Ok to My Unemployment Issues Part 1 and Part 2 you probably already know that Nashville was not at all what I expected.
People may point out "Well, what did you expect moving 800 miles from home, where you don't know anyone, for your first time truly living away from home?" (I'm obviously not counting college or my semester abroad in there.)
The truth is, I think this is the wrong question to ask. Everyone chooses to spread their wings in different ways, and just because something doesn't work out doesn't mean it was the wrong way. Nashville has been a dream of mine since I was sixteen, so I think it makes sense that I would want to take a leap of faith and move across the country.
That said, Nashville and I weren't the match I expected. We were geographically incompatible, my experiences with my employer there were "rough" (that's an understatement), and being away from my immediate family was lonelier and scarier than I had ever imagined, not to mention being away from my familiar surroundings in general. -------- It wasn't just a "you'll adjust" / "you'll get used to" type of lonely or scary. It was an "an integral piece of my heart is not present here" and an "I want everything I used to have -- the people, the roads, the layout, the landmarks -- as if they were a part of me like my heart or my hamstrings" type of sadness.
* The Experience *
Until the Tuesday night before I left, I didn't think there was anything that made me truly want to come back to Nashville for more than a weekend or week-long visit. (That weekend or week-long visit was naturally be to see Nashville friends and family, because YES there are some pretty incredible people in Nashville.)
The Tuesday before moving home from Nashville I went to a Theology on Tap event. I met some truly amazing people and found a community that I would really like to grow in closeness with and get to know better. This community includes amazing authors and artists, but it isn't the title of "author" or "artist" that draws me to these people, it's the stories they tell through their writing, music, etc.
The night I was at that event, I shared with people that I was going home for a month or two to get support and heal through my familiar surroundings. My plan at this time was that I really was only going home for a month or two and would return after the holidays to start afresh.
I realized that night that I did want to come back to connect with this deep community more (a community filled with stories of loss and healing and all things in-between), but I knew I legitimately would not be able to breath if I didn't go home to do some healing where I felt safe, supported, and familiarized.
Over the following days I came to the realization that tearing myself from my home to come back so soon (after say a month or two) did not seem like a healthy decision. I felt too much pressure to do that healing over one to two months. I felt like I would come back and the same chaotic chapter would happen again: the anxiety and depression, the loneliness, the longing for home... The thought of coming back to stay so soon didn't bring me feelings of joy but rather of pressure, fear, and even some dread.
Thursday night is when I made plans to not simply bring some of my belongings home to Minnesota but all of my belongings. I knew that a part of me would feel unsettled/unsolved/incomplete if I moved home to heal but left half of my belongings on the other side of the country. I needed to make a concrete decision so that I could start some concrete healing.
From the moment I made the decision to bring everything home on Thursday night, I felt a sense of peace and the constant inner chaos or questioning within me ceased. This is how I knew I had made the right decision: I knew that my body had been waiting and begging for me to make that decision.
At Mass on Friday night my decision was reaffirmed. I felt a peace that I had not experienced in months. It was a peace that I forgot existed. I was finally able to see Christ and sit in peace. I was finally able to put life back in perspective. I felt a peaceful intimacy with Jesus. It was like my chaotic mind had been cleared. I could see what I forgot existed. I could sense a peace I had forgotten even existed.
We sang hymns at Mass that night is a style that reminded me of my church back home. I felt a perfect peace that could not be shaken, as I looked forward to going home and having the stability to focus on Christ again at Mass and Adoration. It was a peace I could not describe. All through Mass the hymn going through my head and heart was Our Lord singing, "Come home. Come home. Ye who are weary come home. Softly and tenderly Jesus is calling, calling for me to come home."
It was possibly the most clearly I had experienced Our Lord's voice, and it was in the most stark contrast to the way I had been feeling the previous week/month. Just as I had not known it was possible to feel the pain and hopelessness I had experienced the week prior, I had forgotten such a great peace and certainty even existed as what I experienced at Mass that night.
* Possible Prospects *
I felt that same certainty in the days that followed as I packed and moved home. I'm not going to say those days were anxiety-free, but I felt such as complete certainty (one that I couldn't remember the last time I had experienced) and that brought me joy.
On my ride home I considered whether or not returning to Nashville was even something I wanted to do. The question wasn't - is it possible? The question was - do I want to do this? what is the desire of my heart?
A Nashville friend texted me to see if/when I would be back in town for Friendsgiving. After considering whether it would be more joy-bringing or anxiety-inducing repeating the 12-24 hour drive to Nashville so soon, I spoke with my mom and we had a prospective plan...
That was... until I hit a deer at 65 mph on the interstate, and my world once again turned upside-down.
Before hitting that deer, I had been considering whether or not I wanted to return to Nashville. I knew now that I would experience a terrible emotional strain (like a tearing of the heart) if I lived away from home for more than two or three months.
As noted above, the question was "Did I want to go back?" I no longer felt an obligation to do so, and that was freeing.
I knew that if I did want to go back for one to three months I would need to do this in the next year and a half (while I was still on my mother's insurance) -- that way I wouldn't have to deal with the complications of teetering back and forth between insurance plans and I would have the freedom to work part time or as a nanny without worrying about insurance.
The other question was WHEN to go back. If I only wanted to go for a maximum of three months, what would be the most ideal time? At my current job, we have the opportunity to change out schedule each semester (Fall - Spring - Summer). The Fall schedule lasts four months, the Spring schedule lasts five months, and the Summer schedule lasts three months. I could go "on call" for one of these segments of time if I planned accordingly.
In regard to scheduling at work, staying in Nashville for the summer made the most sense and came with the least complications. The one downside is that weather-wise, summers in Nashville are MISERABLE (90-100 degrees with insane humidity). At the same time, summers in Minnesota were my FAVORITE season (70-90 with typically little humidity).
That said............ this is ONE summer and, all things considered, summer still presents itself with the most convenient work-scheduling situation (with the least complications for me or my employer). Additionally, I know that I could use at least five to seven months to recuperate, heal, and settle into life back home before returning to Nashville.
Personally, I would rather not go back to Nashville in the Fall, and Spring 2021 is cutting it close with my 26th birthday (insurance-wise). I would rather be settled into normal, full-time work in Minnesota prior to that birthday.
All-in-all, considering the amazing community I have crossed paths with in Franklin and incredible friends I have made in Nashville, there is a part of me that would life to go back even for a short a period to reconnect and build those things.
As I mentally consider if there would be a way to put together a Nashville adventure that would be not only possible but healthy and enjoyable, I have taken my stressful experienced and learned from them to create a possible model for enjoying a period of time in Nashville:
If I were to return to Nashville, I would:
* LIVE WITH MY AUNT AND UNCLE for a plethora of reasons including:
-----------not having to stress about 1-rent / 2-necessarily full-time work / 3-the possibility of bailing on another roommate should things not work out
----------having my aunt and uncle there to make sure my proper nutritional intake is not impeded by my fear of / struggle with food shopping in Nashville
----------being conveniently located between downtown Nashville and Franklin so that I could be in more reasonable proximity to work opportunities in both Nashville and Franklin and be in more reasonable proximity to the Parish in Franklin I would like to attend (Franklin is too cute; I would love to be closer to Franklin)
* SIMPLY STAY 2-3 MONTHS, because I could only enjoy Nashville knowing that I will not be estranged from my home-sweet-home (family, friends, streets, etc.) for long.
* PROBABLY STAY IN THE SUMMER, because this would result in the least work complications and the easiest set-up with work (assuming I only wish to spend 2-3 months in Nashville). I think I could handle the heat for a short time as long as I don't have to deal with the other stressors that caused me so much anxiety this past Fall (feeling too far from opportunities, feeling the need to work a full time long term job with benefits, affording rent along with other life expenses, having to either take care of my own food or go hungry, needing to drive around constantly to take care of all these errands and work, etc.)
* EITHER FIND A TEMPORARY JOB, A PART-TIME JOB, OR A NANNY JOB. I have SO MUCH more freedom to do what I want with my months in Nashville if I stay with my aunt and uncle. And, with planning on advance, there's a good chance I'll have something set up before even moving there. Staying with my aunt and uncle (and possibly saving up for the summer a few months in advance) gives me the opportunity to possibly dedicate more of my time to volunteer work or part time work, things are so much more flexible. Being a summer nanny just sounds really fun to me, and I don't have to worry about it being part-time or full-time because rent and benefits are not on my worry list.
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